The Mozart Effect Revisited

If playing Mozart does, indeed, increase the intelligence of your unborn child,
one cannot help but speculate the in utero effects of other composers

LISZT EFFECT: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says much of anything.
 
BRUCKNER EFFECT: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains reputation for profundity.
 
WAGNER EFFECT: Child becomes a megalomaniac. May eventually marry his sister.
 
MAHLER EFFECT: Child continually screams - at great length and volume - that he's dying.
 
SCHOENBERG EFFECT: Child never repeats a word until he's used all other words in his vocabulary. Sometimes talks backwards. Eventually, people stop listening to him. Child blames them for their inability to understand him.

BABBITT EFFECT: Child gibbers nonsense all the time. People stop listening to him. Child doesn't care because all his playmates think he's cool.

IVES EFFECT: the child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.

GLASS EFFECT: the child tends to repeat himself over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.
 
STRAVINSKY EFFECT: the child is prone to savage, guttural and profane outbursts that often lead to fighting and pandemonium in the preschool.
 
BRAHMS EFFECT: the child is able to speak beautifully as long as his sentences contain multiples of three words (3, 6, 9, 12, etc). However, his sentences containing 4 or 8 words are strangely uninspired.

AND THEN OF COURSE.....
 
THE CAGE EFFECT:  Child says nothing for 4 minutes, 33 seconds -- preferred by 9 out of 10 classroom teachers.